Repost: August 11, 2005

I wrote this during a time when I had quit drinking and was in the process of leaving a company where I worked for 9 years. Notice my spiciness.. and my voice of trying to accept my own resignation and quitting...enjoy.. -Betsy

Thursday, August 11, 2005
Courage to quit

I read something recently on www.dailyom.com that talked about commitment. The article addressed that when we commit to something we are making our decision based on current and available information. When we commit to something we are committing to explore it. I really liked that thought which made me think about my lifelong fear of quitting/giving up/stopping doing something. Like many others, I have allowed my fears to rule me. I believe that there is a fine line between following through on commitments and "sticking it out to prove I am not a quitter." I observe that many people have such strong beliefs against quitting that they do things they don't want to do, things that they don't enjoy doing, and things they even despise, just to prove they are not a quitter. They would rather be proud of their non-quitting status then be happy.

I grew up with strong beliefs against "quitters." I heard about quitters in negative context frequently. "You start something, you should finish it." I held negative beliefs about quitters for a long time. "Once a quitter, always a quitter." I can remember my negative feelings towards the girl who didn't come to the last day of soccer tryouts, or the guy who dropped the class. I never quit anything. I prided myself on it. I follow through. I complete the task. I stick it out. I am NOT a quitter. I WILL drink all 10 beers! Like I said, not a quitter.

So what is a "quitter?"
well-defined commitment quitter: Someone who says they are going to do something for a specific number of times or a specific period of time, and they do not complete their commitment. Well if they have a "good" reason then we do not call them a quitter. See "good reasons to quit" below "the unspecified commitment quitter."

The "unspecified commitment quitter": Someone who says they are going to do something for an un-specified number of times or a non-specific period of time, and they do not have a well defined commitment... and they stop doing it.
WHAT?? no commitment, but still a quitter... hmmm. Well, so this person did not quit anything. We judge this person, we give them a hard time, and we talk about them. "I can't believe they are quitting and they aren't going to help with this thing, every once in a while, that we do, anymore." Better yet, we judge ourselves in situations like this! This makes no sense at all. We tell ourselves that we "should want to keep picking up trash on the side of the highway for the fundraiser, it is a really good cause."

Reasons to "quit"/stop doing something, that culturally and socially we accept as "Good" reasons or "Good enough" reasons:

"I am going to be on a reality tv show." Anything related to sickness, death, especially contagious disease is a "good reason to quit." "I am going to go on tour with_____(top 40 popular band at the time)." Anything to do with Oprah, a visit to the White House (unfortunately), donating an organ, something to do with a lot of money, long distance travel, fame, etc.

(in certain circumstances but this is a stretch) Dreams, Goals, Vision. Now the people judging you will still probably think you are crazy, "that crazy girl who is going to Africa to help starving children, more power to her."(smirk, and scoff) However it still falls into the "good" reasons category, because even if they don't believe in it, at least you are passionnate about something, right?
"Excuses and things quitters and slackers say"

"I don't want to," "I want to try something else," "I am not doing this anymore but I found someone who could complete this for me," (ooh, good one, the commitment is held up but... yeah, still a quitter nice try) "I don't like it here," "I am not happy." yeah, these are not valid reasons to stop doing something, even if you would rather beat your head against the wall than continue. "you're not happy, poor baby." again, not good enough.
By the way, the biggest judge of your decisions is you. These voices that i put in quotes are most often our own voices based on our beliefs. I know, it is scary but true. You are the one judging whether the reason is good enough or not.

Here is the kicker... why do you get pissed off when people quit? That anger comes from the times that you wanted to stop doing something but you didn't have the COURAGE. When you are in a situation you do not want to be in and someone says, "I'm not doing this anymore!" how do you feel? Do you get angry?

You might be holding on to something that you realize you have held onto because you are trying to prove that you are not a quitter. You want to be seen as lovable, hard working and committed. Well if you are doing something that goes against what is in your heart then you are quitting you. You are betraying yourself to not follow what is in your heart. Many of us are "beating our heads against the wall," in one area of our life or another. When you make the decision to stop doing something that you truly, deep down, do not want to be doing, you will open up space to draw in experiences that you would like to have. You will also then be able to see just how heavy the burden is that you have been carrying. It is funny how you can't feel how heavy it is until you let it go.

Let it go. Say no to something or someone, say yes to you! I wish you everyday courage to stop doing things that you do not want to do. I drank quite a bit for a long time. I have not drank for several months. When I stopped feeling the urge to drink, I realized I was afraid to NOT drink in social situations. I wasn't afraid of drinking or that I would want to drink. I was afraid to communicate that I did not want a drink. Koren Zailkas, author of "Smashed: The Story of a drunken girlhood," shares her story of drinking and quitting. For the first time in my life I felt like someone else knew what I have gone through with my relationship with alcohol. The details are different but I could relate to so much of her story. She shares the awkwardness of communicating her lack of desire to drink, in drinking situations. Thanks to her I learned that there doesn't have to be any explanation, let alone a long drawn out story. I learned that I could say, "I don't feel like it." Simple as that. At first it took me quite a bit of courage to communicate my lack of desire to drink. Over time my courage grew.

I believe deep down in my heart one thing is true for all of us. "I don't feel like it," is always good enough, no matter what it is. If you give yourself permission to say this, it will very possibly set you free. I wish you the courage to take the pressure off of yourself, and to say, "you know what? I don't feel like it."